5 Weeks

For 5 weeks you nestled all tiny and snug in my womb. 4 and a half of those weeks we didn't know you were there. Those 2 pink lines that popped up on the test, the joy the tears, the happiness, the morning sickness and the queasiness, 7 months of wanting you to be there. 7 months of waiting so patiently. I couldn't wait to start feeling those little flutters, those tiny kicks and flips and rolls. Was is a fist or was it foot poking my ribs, I was so excited and couldn't wait, Sadly that wasn't meant to be what felt like moments the bleeding the cramping, the pain it all started so suddenly so soon. I knew. I knew you had gone. The scans, the urine samples and blood tests that followed didn't put me at ease I knew you were no longer nestled in my womb all snug and warm, but instead I felt you pass from me into the toilet just like that it was over. To the hospital you were just "a mass of tissue" a number a statistic. Although you were a just a tiny dot you were still our baby. I've had many comments like at least you were further along or it wasn't really a baby or be grateful that you've already had one baby. 
I've often wondered what you'd have been like would you of been like, would you of been a boy or a girl? Would you of had a fiery personality like your Brother or would you of been the mellow one? Would you of had my eyes or Daddy's? Would you look like Daddy just like you big brother? 
I'll be the first to admit that I've wept more than I'd like to admit at others pregnancy and birth announcements. That I've felt such awful awful jealousy towards pregnant strangers. I know that I shouldn't be this was but I can't help it!  

I don't want this to feel like I'm just ending this part in my life but I feel like I needed some closure. I know that its probably not going to get any easier or that it probably will never go away, but I need to start looking to the future and not let what has happened hold me back. Today Ben told me that It's devastated him how he's seen me go from being such a happy person to not being myself anymore which broke my heart. 
I'm not closing this chapter I'm just moving forward in what I hope will be a happier more positive way.